Love, sacrilege, redemption
by Sarthakk
Summary: Follow Edward Cullen on his journey as he discovers himself and fights his inner demons...
1. Prologue

**_Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. It belongs to Stephenie Meyer._**

**Prologue**

I sat on my bed, gazing at the sharp edge of the blade.

"I'll have to do it this time," I told myself and then closed my eyes, thinking it'd help me gather the courage to do what I intended to- run the blade over my wrist.

"Just do it, you jerk!" I chided myself as I started shivering out of nervousness. "Do it now or you'll continue sitting like this for the whole night!"

I took a deep breath and brought the blade nearer.

Another second, a sharp cut and it'd be the end of everything for Edward Cullen…

I thought about myself, about the life I'd led and suddenly everything that I'd been through, every moment of jubilation and sorrow, delight and disgust flashed in front of me in a mighty blur..

A tear trickled down my cheek, many others followed. A mirror hanging on the wall opposite my bed showed how pathetic crying like that made me look.

Another breath, a deep sigh..

I tried mustering the courage again..

And then the thought struck me and I asked myself if it was really worth doing?

Will my committing suicide make any difference? And most of all, how the heck did I manage to pull myself into this messy situation?

How come a starry eyed boy, whose smile people would never be tired of complementing about, has suddenly found himself lying on his bed at mid-night, ready to slash his wrist with a blade?..

What about the claims of all those people who had prophesied, right since his childhood, about the impressive life that he'd make for himself?

Will he allow it all to come to such a hideous end?

I could no longer bear to see my irritating reflection in the mirror.

Filled with revulsion and disgust, I flung the blade aside.

I thought I should cry, howl, vent all the frustrations out..

But the tears won't flow any more..

I knew exactly what would bring solace.

I stood up, stretched my back and walked to the kitchen. I picked up an empty mug - my favourite one - filled it with water and poured it into the sauce pan. I waited until it was boiling hot to pour it into a cup. A tea bag followed and then sugar..

Here, in this tiny cup was my elixir, the answer to my anxieties..

A cup of tea..

I filtered it into the mug and squatted on the floor, inhaling its aroma.

I blew into the mug, took a noisy sip and thought about the promise I had made to myself the day my flight landed at Austin..

If only I'd stuck to it..

**_Reviews will make me happier than an alive Edward Cullen._**


	2. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

July, 2007

Chicago was the city I belonged to. I'd spent some good eight years of my life here. Years that saw me journeying from childhood into adolescence. I had lived amongst all those high-rise buildings and economy that Chicago is so proud of and which have earned it the international repute. But that was all past. A new future awaited me now.

I'd scored considerably well in my SATs and it'd earned me a seat in University of Texas, Austin. I was very pleased. Not all of my classmates had been able to ace the SATs and mine was a particularly reputed institute. I was obviously getting all the compliments and attention.

But my parents, on the contrary, were distressed. I, being the youngest son, was too pampered. I had grown sick of all the fuss that my family would make about my being the youngest member of the family.

"You are just a child.", "You are too young to leave us.", "How will live without us?" was all they would say.

They'd wanted me to seek admission in Chicago itself, so that I could stay at home with them.

But Austin is what I'd chosen. I insisted that this was the best I could ask for with my score. So, my parents reluctantly allowed me to go.

And was I happy? I was mad with ecstasy!

At last, after all these years of pampering, I was going to be on my own!

And here I was, standing on the roads of Austin!

I breathed in some air.

The smell was different.

It was mixed with the fragrance of my new found freedom!

Back on the flight, I'd spotted a really hot guy while moving to reach the washrooms. He had beautiful russet skin and a well-sculpted body. I saw him as he sat on his berth, bent on an iPad, with his long hair falling over his shoulders. I slowed down to give him a good look and gazed at him for what must've been a bit too long because it made him look up from his reading. I got flustered and started fumbling ahead but not before I'd seen him giving me a weird smile.

A couple of hours passed and the same thing happened, but the other way round. This time, it was me who was sitting and having lunch and he went past me.

Our eyes met. The strangeness of the smile was still in place.

I'd quite forgotten about it all by the flight landed.

It was only when I was leaving the airport and hailing a cab that I saw him again, this time surrounded by four of his cronies, at some distance.

They were talking in a high-spirited, boisterous manner and I picked up some of their conversation. The guy I'd spotted was saying something "... was gazing at me like he wanted to eat me..." I froze on the spot. Was he talking about me? He then casually turned at my direction, noticed me and to my intense mortification whispered something to his chums with a scandalous expression on his face. They all turned towards me and started saying what could've been "Is he the one? Really?"

It did become clear after all. I was the butt of joke for all of them. The boy had entertained them all with the story of a gay who'd developed a crush on him aboard the train. Being a hunk, he was probably accustomed to girls falling for him. But it looked like something similar coming from a guy's end was new to him. They'd all started sniggering and I could feel my ears getting warm out of embarrassment.

Thankfully, a cab suddenly halted in front of me.

I threw my luggage inside and hauled myself inside.

"Wow Edward," I muttered to myself, "what a welcome!" Twenty minutes of being in Texas and my homosexuality was inviting trouble and embarrassment for me already. More than anything, that boy and his irritatingly attractive smile and all that had happened a few minutes back, reminded me of someone whom I desperately wanted to forget; someone who's mere thought filled me with disgust.

I'd thought that I've left all my associations with that 'someone' back in Chicago but it looked like he was determined to haunt all my forthcoming days with the ugly imprints that he'd left on my psyche..

And right there, sitting in that cab, with clenched fists, I secretly muttered a promise to myself, swearing never to fall for another good-looking guy. Not in the college, not in Austin, nowhere in this world!

Because, I'd learned that nothing like love existed for men like me, for a gay.

I'd learned that every hot guy had just two things on his mind, one- his dick, two- your ass...

And I couldn't see myself, as an individual, figuring anywhere between these two.

And above all, I was in no way going to allow just any guy to commodify my existence just because he was drop-dead gorgeous.

Never again will I believe another guy who said that he loved me..

Never again will a guy find a place either in my heart or on my bed..

Never again...


	3. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

It was the first time I was in Texas.

I wasn't well around the time when I was supposed to report at the university.

My parents had gone there on my behalf with the documents and stuff.

They were therefore well-acquainted with the city and its ambience and had taken care of the arrangements that now awaited me.

My mother was horrified with the hostel's condition. "It's a mother's nightmare", she'd said. She'd almost puked when she tasted the food at the mess. Plus, university accommodations are universally notorious for the beastly ways in which the freshmen are treated.

So, it was decided. I was simply not going there.

I was going to rent a room instead.

My parents had amazed me, just the way they'd done on countless other occasions, by fishing out an acquaintance even in this largely unfamiliar city.

Mr. Swan, I was told, was a family friend and a good natured person.

He'd helped them with finding a suitable room near his place.

It was a part of a two-storey residence, owned by a retired professor from Texas University. He lived downstairs with his family, while a room upstairs was usually rented out to students.

Meeting Mr. Swan and his family was something that I was really looking forward to. The reason was the fact that my mother had revealed to me only recently.

He had two daughters. The elder one was in her final year of graduate studies and Mr. Swan intended to have her married to my elder bro.

The fact was never really discussed openly. It had just travelled to us through the never-ending jumble of relatives who'd nothing better to do other than speculate about all the permutations and combinations that could be applied to get somebody's son to end up with somebody's daughter.

In fact, we'd come to know about it all only after my parents had approached Mr. Swan in Texas.

I could now figure out why he's being so sweet to us.

The thought of having my bro, Jasper, married had amused me to no end.

I could imagine him with his bat, playing baseball in the field at our school in Chicago.

I could imagine him with his skateboard, zooming around the city with his cronies.

His image in his Boy Scout uniform, in his university T-shirt, in the business formals that he wore to the office these days, was all too vivid..

But imagining him married to a girl and properly settled was a bit bizarre.

I simply couldn't digest that Jasper was old enough to be married.

But, I guess, at 28 you are.

I was both madly excited and mildly appalled.

I had never seen Mr. Swan but hopefully, he would be cool guy.

I thus braced myself to meet the Swans, not knowing that someone nasty was waiting for me.

We were greeted by Mr. Swan near the house where my room was.

He, to my pleasant surprise, was half-bald!

He took us to my room, which he'd got cleaned up, and we left our luggage there.

He'd sent a cot of his for me to use. My parents protested about it but he silenced them saying, "it's nothing. I had an extra one with me."

We went to get fresh at his place where we also had our lunch.

Mrs. Swan was portly but elegant.

Rosalie, their elder daughter and my prospective sister-in-law, was what you could call serenity personified. She gave me some useful tips about the college.

"The university is not too far. I would suggest making use of the shuttle service as the stop is very near. Be regular with the classes and try contacting and impressing your professors; it never hurts to network. And try to not go too wild at the parties!"

I listened to it all attentively.

"She's so sweet and supportive! Just perfect for Jasper! 10 on 10!" I thought with glee..

Jane was the younger girl. There was something about her face that made me cringe. She was pretty but the expressions she wore inspired a strange repulsion. And, as I later discovered, she had a vicious tongue too!

I was told that she's a year younger to me.

"Finance," she'd interrupted her mother while she was in the middle of informing us about her undergraduate goals.

"Nice," I'd remarked meekly.

"Actually nice," she replied mater-of-factly, "because had I been a supply chain student I'd have had to take advice from you!"

Her comment had obviously scandalized us all.

Her father had broken the tautness created by it saying, "you know, we've talked much about how good a student Edward is and all.."

We'd bought it and Jane had smiled at us, especially at me, in a way as if she meant to say 'try believing that' aloud..

I could get an idea about all the backstage drama that might've preceded our visit.

The Swan couple must've gone over-board instructing their daughters about how they were supposed to be their best selves in front of us. Rosalie had to be extra careful. Jane could even have been hinted about how she stood a good chance of being married to me 10-12 years hence! This might actually have pissed her off. I had some idea about how parents' minds worked in cases like these. Even my mother had joked about that possibility back in Chicago while telling me all about it.

By the time we'd finished our lunch, I was in a position to infer a few things.

The Swans were decent, the food was yum, Rosalie was superb and that Jane was a psychopath! I'd liked the last bit the most considering I hadn't come across one in a long time. It looked like my stay there wasn't going to be dull.


	4. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

My parents left two days later.

Before leaving, they'd helped me settle in the room.

The new mattress that we had purchased was laid on the cot, my favorite sheet was spread and the bed was made.

A writing table and a chair was bought and placed at one corner of the room. Another larger table, lent by the owner Mr. Denali, was used to put up my tiny kitchen.

I was bought some basic utensils that I'd need: pan, plates, glasses, bowls and spoons, all in pairs; and groceries - cereal, milk, bread and fruits. Fortunately, the kitchen was already stocked with the necessary equipment – microwave and refrigerator.

I had had a tough time convincing them that I would be doing some basic cooking.

I was to have my meals with the Denalis downstairs thrice a day.

For the rest of the things, like snacks and tea, I could use my kitchen.

I was allowed to have it only on the condition that I'd eat healthy and not survive each day by drinking tea.

Finally, after having assured that everything was in place, they left.

Before going, I was asked to behave properly with the Swans and maintain a good image. As if I'm some spoilt, bratty kid!

It was a tearful farewell.

Both my mom and I cried our hearts out while my dad sulked at the sight.

I was quite nervous about being completely on my own but at the same time quite keen on it. I just wanted this fresh tryst with my destiny to start.

-LSR-

Soon the first day of the college arrived.

The bus ride to the college was fun.

But the only problem was that many students were red-eyed when the boarded the shuttle. I guess they were either hung-over or on drugs or both. I cringed each time it happened.

Rosalie was there and she kept shaking her head at it.

The school building was impressive, better than what it looked like on the cover of the prospectus.

I searched the way to my class.

It was half-filled with anxious looking people.

I joined the lot and more of them kept coming in.

I tried picking up a chat with some of them.

We exchanged our names and backgrounds.

I realized that I was surrounded by some really intelligent people.

Suddenly, a small group of boys and girls entered our classroom.

It was clear by their boisterous ways that they were our seniors.

We were told that they were happy to welcome us and that they were here for an ice-breaking session.

And then they started their interaction with us. Students were called for the intros.

One of the guys said that he loved to dance and the seniors asked him if he could perform something for them.

The guy nodded. To my supreme astonishment he did the steps to Michael Jackson's Beat It immaculately.

He played the song on his iphone and danced. The entire class was entertained and clapping with abandon.

He too bowed with a wide grin on his face, and I briefly noticed how attractive he was.

When it was my turn and mentioned that I like to sing, they requested me to perform.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and started with the first song that came to my mind.

_I'll be your dream_

_I'll be your wish I'll be your fantasy_

_I'll be your hope I'll be your love_

_Be everything that you need_

_I'll love you more with every breath_

_Truly, madly, deeply do_

_I will be strong I will be faithful_

_'cause I'm counting on_

_A new beginning_

_A reason for living_

_A deeper meaning, yeah _

By the time I finished, I was shivering.

I realized that there was utter silence in the class.

I turned to look at others and was a bit perplexed by their expressions.

Most of them were smiling, some had their eyes vaguely unfocussed.

One of the seniors patted me on my shoulder and said, "Good kid, very good!" I heaved a sigh of relief and everyone clapped.

I'd thought I'd mess it up while going up and down with the flow of the song. But it seemed that I hadn't done too badly.

The seniors then explained that they'll treat us to a freshman party.

Then a prof entered our class, thanked the seniors for welcoming us and then started off with the lecture.

My singing Truly, Madly, Deeply had brought me in the lime-light for the day.

Many of them asked my name and stuff.

The lectures were fine too.

"The first day hasn't been that bad after all," I thought.

I had even made a friend, Jacob, who was a cheerful guy.

He told me that he's from Cincinnati and lived in the university accommodation.

"Is it very bad in there, with the number of roommates and all?" I'd enquired apprehensively.

"Not really. Once you get to know them and listen to what they say, they become quite friendly," he told me smiling. "But yeah, the food's murder!"


End file.
